Sponsors
Bronze
Apocalips
Is it really cheating if everyone is doing it?
When you want something soooo bad that you don’t care if you die immediately afterwards, what have you got to lose?
BionoGrip
Biono-Grip, the bionic exo-hand with a million and one programmable uses asks you to “keep them professional".
Paul Inga, CEO of Biono-Grip would like to remind people that he’s ready to date again, though probably nothing serious until his urologist gives him the all-clear.
FocusAll
Knock your enemies into next week
Talent Depleted? Get your edge back faster with Focusall. Now in sandwich spreadable form.
Grandma Betty’s Old Fashioned Accuracy Elixir
Grandma Betty's, the Old Fashioned way to kill
When Grandma Betty has a problem, you can bet the police don’t hear about it. And when she’s shooting from that far away, neither do her victims- until it’s too late, ‘cause Grandma Betty hits the bull’s-eye every time, no matter how far away she’s concealed.
HipClip
Open fire today, reload tomorrow.
The HipClip guarantee:If you have to reload more than once in any twenty-four hour period we’ll give you a full refund.
ItchyFinger
Hold it down without a frown.
A faster trigger is just ONE of the benefits enjoyed by replacing Mother Nature’s inferior ligament based index finger with a robotic substitute. No surgeon necessary.
Metabolightning
If the rumors were true, could we sell it?
Vein fusing? Try “vein confusing”. Don’t listen to the eggheads, listen to the athletes. Metabolightning adds quickness and speed instantly, with minimal scientifically proven side effects.
RegeneGreat
You wanna kick some ass, you gotta outlast
Just two medically supplemented frozen waffles for breakfast can add to your regeneration speed for up to six hours. Now in blueberry.
Survivitol
Whatever happens you have got, Survivitol and they have not! ... Survivitol!
Have a lot of enemies? Explosive temper? Cheating on a spouse? Survivitol brand health elixirs may be your ticket to a long and healthy life. Survivitol!
Uncle Tully’s Original Organ Highlighters
Kinda like what doctors use. Only for killin’.
“The only way to git a better look without spendin’ more is with a knife and a carcass spreader. I guarantee it.”
Silver
DR Trigger
Whether plasma gun or blunder buss, Dr Trigger cleans it without a fuss.
Dr Trigger's Liquid Barrel Cleaning System not only increases your rate of fire, but enhances your weapon with one of three pleasing aromas: bubblegum, grape or original gun oil scent.
GrenADEIII
An explosion of flavor...in your mouth.
Need to start the day with a little extra amount of "oomph" without all the deadly reactions and horrific side effects of our earlier sports drinks? Try Grenade III. Built on failure, driven to succeed.
LaseRazor
LaseRazor, the official combat shaver of Monday Night Combat
Start your day with LaseRazor, the only razor with six quantum plasma lasers for maximum comfort, patented all terrain pivot and new ShaveIce gel pack cartridge and handy applicator for an avalanche of foamy frozen comfort, to help you turn that sandpaper into silk, anytime.
Regenitol
Kills pain DEAD.
Take just one burst of Regenitol directly into the lungs, lay down for six to eight hours, and then you’re ready to face the day the healing ability you need to safely leave your home at night.
Round Hound
Less shooting. More looting. That's the Round Hound promise.
You suck your food through a hose, why not your weapon?
Secrets of the Reloading Masters
Learn the secrets to faster reloading known only to elite assassins, wealthy industrialists and Steven Pulchinski, night manager
Found inside the secret underground tomb of heralded Aztec military strategist Chalchiuhtotoliq and never before seen by the public, Secrets of the Reloading Masters, will cut down your average reload time by 50% or you’ll get double your money back, we guarantee. Offer not valid in Virginia, Northern Rhode Island or Southern Rhode Island.
Skill Pill
One pill and you're hooked
They say some craftsmen take decades to master their art. But in a day and age where the average life expectancy is twenty-eight do you really have that much time? Get better, faster, with the Skill Pill.
Steel Peel
No one can resist a Steel Peel man.
Looking for added protection from projectiles, shrapnel AND body odor? Want to be desired by the opposite sex? Unconcerned by the possibility of suffering cardiac arrhythmia upon application? Try Skin of Steel body spray. Now in convenient travel size.
Stevenson Family Organic Organ Farms
Voted ‘The Best Organic Organ Farm’ in Illinois.
Experience hours of enjoyment including tractor rides, a corn maze, a haunted fun barn and acres and acres of the best farm raised genetically modified organs for transplant money can buy.
Uncle Tap’s Original Original Organ Highlighters
Don’t be fooled by imitators who turn their back over their own kinfolk over a woman.
Tully, if yer readin’ this: I’m sorry. You were right, she ain’t worth a burnt out match on the Fourth of July. Please, just call me.
Gold
Achille’s
If the mind is your enemy's greatest weapon, all the more reason to shoot them in head.
Our disposable ocular implants include full-scale real time anatomical maps of the opponent of your choosing. Achille’s brand ocular implants are NOT void where prohibited. Do you hear that, Vermont? Go suck an egg.
AmmoMule
Keep your Ammo Cool and Your Bacon Hot
Stop embarrassing reloads BEFORE they happen. AmmoMule
Aptilube
Patience, practice and persistence now come in bottle form
Trust the expert in a bottle used by more surgeons, lawyers and safecrackers than any other kind of skill enhancement system.
GobiNumb Extra Strength
Why heal it when you don’t have to feel it?
Stopping to take health boosts during combat wastes valuable seconds while armor just weighs you down. GobiNumb’s Extra Strength formulated neurotoxins block out the pain so you don’t feel it until hours, if not days later. Trust the neurotoxin that pros use, trust GobiNumb brand pain deferments.
IntelliClips
Because you’ve got enough on your hands already.
A lot of things run through your mind during a firefight. “Have I led a good and moral life?” “What will happen to Barbara and the kids?” “God, I could go for a pulled pork sandwich,” or “maybe I shouldn’t have taken getting laid off so personally.” Whatever your concerns the last thing you should have to worry about is taking valuable time out of your assault to fumble with spare ammo clips. That’s why IntelliClips does all the hard work for you.
Iturba by Martel Pierre
Kill with confidence
The eye. The hunger. The attraction. The shot placement. Iturba by Martell Pierre
Smedley’s
Smedley's is the tasty treat, that gets you up and on your feet.
Lying in a pool of your own blood? Fading in and out of consciousness? Sounds like time for a Smedley bar!
Sprintz
Now with 10% less liver damage.
Sprintz brand sports gum adds speed to your game with the following flavors: Fruit Punch-it, Grape Escape and now in our newest flavor, Comet Cranberry.
Spunky
Energy. Loaded.
Technically owning more than 30 grams of this is stuff is illegal, that’s why ours comes in 29.5 gram containers, but most cops won’t hassle you if you’re cool about it and don’t rub it in their faces by drinking it in front of courthouses and stuff. If it’s legal to use shouldn’t it be legal to sell?
Total Recoil
Knock your enemies into next week - literally.
Why waste money on superior material cooling technology or faster cycling weapons to increase your rate of fire? Total Recoil series of weapon-based particle colliders make ripping a hole through the time-space continuum a breeze. Shoot first; then shoot first again. That’s the Total Recoil way.
